CARNIVOROUS – 5

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Read the previous part ——>CARNIVOROUS 4.0

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“Why…do you want a poison Tushar?” I asked in a tiny voice, I already knew the answer.

Tushar relaxed into his seat and he gave me a big toothy Tushar Grin.

“Because I am going to kill my self”.

Time paused for me the minute he said that. Every particle every grain of dust that floated in the room along with our breaths stopped where it was. Everything froze. And I suddenly remembered this memory that I choose to forget. This memory I did not want to remember.

 

THE FLASHBACK: Part 1.

It was very early in the morning but I don’t remember what time it was. I just remember that the streets still looked blue because the sun had not yet come out.

Tushar and I were in the coffee shop where he worked. He had stolen the keys from the owner. We had spent the night in the coffee house messing around in the kitchen trying to invent new recipes. Tushar made a chocolate cake and instead of whipped crème he covered it with garlic mayonnaise. I obviously did not know that and ended up taking up a ginormous bite out of it. It was way beyond horrible but I smiled to be polite. It was still a young affair between me and him back then so I was a little shy around him.

“Its different”. I said smiling.

“Are you shitting me?” He said taking a bite of it himself.

He immediately spit it in the dustbin. It was very funny to watch, I mean I laughed so hard that I could not breathe.

“This is what rotten souls would taste like. You know, you need to learn to say things as they are. What is shit is shit. Sugar coating shit wont make it a marshmallow, shit will always be shit”. He said.

“True”.

“Say it. Say it is shit Tushar”.

“It is shit Tushar”. I said laughing

“Come on say it like you mean it. I just fed you shit. Say it LOUDER!”.

“THIS IS SHIT!”.

“PERFECT. Now say fuck you Tushar”.

“Fuck you Tushar you fucking asshole”. I said sincerely.

“Hahaha perfect, you are a fast learner I must say, well, fuck you too”.

He said and pulled me towards him. He kissed my neck and slid his hand inside the back of my shirt and every nerve in body sent a jolt.

“You are such a pervert” I said giggling.

He slid down my shirt and bit my shoulder.

“Ouch! Hey don’t bite! You are not even vaccinated for rabies”.

He laughed and bit me again.

This story would have been so much better but suddenly I heard tiers screeching outside and we stopped out adultery for a moment. The sound came from the small ally behind the coffee shop.

We quickly gathered ourselves.

Tushar and I hurried back because we thought it was the owner of the coffee shop. But it was not.

It was a middle aged man driving an old Honda.

He seemed tense and was staring hopelessly at the front tire of his car.

I followed his gaze and gasped.

He had ran his car over a small black stray dog. The car had completely crushed his limbs. His body was broken in an unnatural way. The poor little creature breathed heavily in pain, his mouth twisted in agony but made no noise.

I couldn’t look at it so I turned my face towards Tushar.

He looked right down at the poor dog. Without blinking, without a hint of pain or disgust on his face. He did that sometimes. Showed absolute detachment from the worldly happiness or pain.

“Guys….hey umm… can you please help me get him to the hospital?”. The middle aged stammered, he was almost about to cry.

“Papa…”. Said a small voice from inside the car.

I turned quickly to look so that I did not have to look at the dog. Inside the car was a really small girl in a neat white school uniform peaking through the window. Tushar and I had blocked her view of the horrible incident.

“Stay in the car sweetie, papa will be right back” The father said almost choking.

“You have to kill it” Tushar said. His eyes still frozen on the dog.

The middle aged man gasped.

“What the fuck Tushar” I said angrily.

“Its not just the limbs that are damaged, the fractured pieces of bones have also punctured his intestines. Even if you do take him to the hospital and even if they do manage to save him he will permanently loose his ability to walk or run. They will put metal rods where the bones should have been and every step he takes will be excruciating. They will run a pipe through his anus to help him excrete. He won’t have sex and he wont be able to have any solid food. In the best condition I give him 2 years, 2 years of misery and a long painful death. Better to end his misery than give him a cursed life.”

Everyone kept quite.

Tushar walked to a nearby dumpster and got a small boulder with him. They used that boulder to keep the doors open of the cafe when they brought in cartons of supplies in the pantry.

He walked to the father giving him the boulder.

“You have to aim for the skull, he is going to feel no pain if you do it with velocity, you just have to do it once if you do it right, so do it right.”

“I can’t….please..I cant do it….you do it please” The father cried.

“You put him in misery, its your duty now to set him free, not mine”. Tushar said his eyes on the dog.

The father cried even harder as he accepted his fate and walked towards the dog.

“I am so sorry, so sorry….”

“Papaaaa…..” The little girl called again as she opened the gate of the car and stepped out.

I ran to her. And placed her back inside the car, she was very tiny might be 5 or 6.

“Hey honey, whats your name?”. I asked cheerfully to distract her from the soft whimpering of both, the dog and her father.

“Ishita” she said in a tiny voice timidly.

“Wow! Thats a beautiful name. Ishita do you know how to count?” I asked.

She nodded her head.

“OK sweetie show me how to count” I said affectionately.

“1…2….3…..”

“AAAAAGH” the father screamed as he struck down the boulder with all his might.

She stopped counting. I could see the fear on her tiny face.

“Come on sweetie. 4…5…” I said desperately trying to distract her.

“6…7…8..”

“Very good, you are so smart. Go on, keep counting and I will be right back to you”.

She nodded.

“9…10…”

I went back to the scene of crime.

The father had done it. He was bent down beside the body with the bloody boulder still in his hand. His white shirt had a little splatter of blood.

I put a hand on his shoulder.

“Sir, you should drive away now your daughter is waiting for you”.

He got up a changed man; his face had a dead expression. Like the one Tushar had all along. I could never forget that.

He walked to the car quietly, he said nothing to us or to his daughter. He pulled up his seat belt and drove away, over the body of nothing but smashed flesh and fur.

“21…22…23..”

I heard as the car drove by.

Tushar’s eyes were on the corpse ever since. And soon, he too, quietly walked back inside.

I was left there alone on the bloody street as the sun came out.

It rained that day and it washed away the pulp of what was left of that harmless little creature. So all of us got away with that murder.

Since that day I always had nightmares, that I was lying down on that street and Tushar had the boulder in his hand that he smashes my head with. I used to wake up in sweats.

But unlike the father, he has no remorse on his face, he looks at me with those same dead unblinking eyes that he looked at the dog with and boom. I wake up.

I always felt I was that creature in misery and he was the one who would set me free. I was the dog and he was the father.

I had forgotten about this memory and after a few years of our separation I stopped having those nightmares too. Until I noticed that same cold dead unblinking look in Tushar’s eyes after 5 years.

And I was still the creature in misery, sitting across from him in that room, nothing had changed. As always I was at his mercy. And the minute I realized this, the time unfroze, the particles moved and all the statues came back to life and Tushar’s grin widened at my expression of shock. Snap back to reality.

“Are you fucking insane? How could you even think I would do that? Throw me in the jail, or whatever you are planning to do to me but I am not going to let you kill yourself”.

“It’s a little drastic that for 5 whole years you were not even bothered weather I was dead or alive and now you want to show me fucking empathy?”.

“I fucking care! I always cared why else do you I came here dressed up like a fucking barbie? Why do you think I have been men hoping all these year? I have been trying to find someone like you! Because I don’t know what the fuck have you done to me, I was fine before I met you. You have made me like you and now I can’t connect with anyone else, no matter how hard I try and how much I drink. You have infected me with all these feelings and I was not meant for feelings Tushar. And now…when I see you after 5 years. You act like a total stranger and want me to help you kill yourself. Fuck you man, just fuck you”.

Tushar frowned. He knew exactly what I meant, he always does. He sat quietly for a moment while I was still breathing heavily after my gigantic monologue.

“I have never told this to anyone but I guess its my last chance” He muttered.

“I cannot kill myself without that pill. These people keep a watch on all of us, everything is sealed and covered, even this table we are sitting at has smooth round edged, so I don’t cut my hand along the edges. The furniture is mounted to the ground. There are no ceiling extensions anywhere or ropes or any sharp objects for that matter. I will not be able to kill my self. I need that pill because it is the only way I would be able to do this”.

“I wont”. I said.

“You don’t get it, this is important, I have thought this through it is the only way”.

“Why?”.

Tushar took a deep breath and frowned at me.

“I have never told anyone this but I guess you would be the first one”

I was scared. What was he going to say that could possibly convince me to let him kill himself?

 

The Flashback: Part 2

Tushar’s story.

When I was 12 I was in a boarding school, the kids did not like me much because I could run faster than all of them, they were jealous. Sometimes they would get right down mean to me, hide my clothes; lock me up in the cupboard for hours. I did not have any friends and it bothered me for a while but I learned to live with it. I tried to ignore it but the bullying never stopped. This one kid in particular hated me. His name was Abhishek, he was one of the staff kids and he got away with everything. He always came second to me in all of the races and it bugged him off. So, one night I woke up to get myself a glass of water and he cornered me with a couple of his friends. The took chances at throwing punches at while I defenseless. They were tiny kids but they had heavy hands. After they got tiered they threw me in the broom cupboard that was smaller than my body. The squeezed me in a place I could hardly fit, my legs nestled against my chest, hardly any room to breathe. And they left me there all night on that place. The janitor found me in the morning I was hardly conscious. I suffered muscle injuries because of being in an inhuman position for so long. The doctor said even if I recover completely I will not be able to run.

But it was more than the injuries. That night in the cupboard changed me, it made me less human. One day I was sitting by the meadows when I saw Abhishek, standing on the small cliff by the freshwater lake near our school. We were not allowed to go by the cliffs but Abhishek was just plain badass, always breaking the rules. I saw him from a distance and wished with all my heart that he falls into the lake. The next thing I remember is hearing the splash as he fell into the water. I could not believe it I thought I had some sort of super powers. I rushed to the cliff and I saw little Abhishek thrash around in the water. He could not swim. And I could have easily jumped into the water or called for help, I could have saved him. But you know that I did? I watched him open his mouth to scream for help, he opened his mouth because he saw me on that cliff and he thought I would help. But every time he opened his mouth he just swallowed more water, he swallowed so much water that he died sooner than he otherwise would have by drowning. Then it took minutes for the water to swallow him whole. And I walked away feeling more powerful than ever because I thought I could kill people with my mind. I have been doing it ever since. Anyway, Abhishek had a huge funeral, the principal gave a big speech about how Abhishek was a great kid, always humble and polite and helpful. Bullshit. Abhishek was a little prick. Thats all that he was. And I killed him.

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I sat there my mind racing with thoughts.

“You did not kill him Tushar, we all have these terrible thoughts we are only human, it does not make you a monster”. I said like a fucking kid. I knew exactly what he meant but I was not going to let him kill himself.

“Its not the killing that makes me a monster. Its how I feel after the kill. When I was 16 my school principal sent me to the councillor because my english teacher found my essays dark and disturbing. The councillor got really scared of me so she got me an appointment with this expensive psychiatrist. After two years in therapy you know what that psychiatrist told me? She said ‘Maybe life is not for everyone’”.

I kept quite.

Remember I told you that Tushar was different? You can be with Tushar all day watch him laugh and make jokes and give random science facts but when he is not talking, when he is quite and absolutely by himself, you will know that there was something about him, something about him that is not okay.

What really makes us human is this ability to love and care. It makes us successful as a specie because when a child is in danger the mother’s love will compel her to give up her life to save the child. The child will probably do the same for his kid when it grows up and that ensures our survival. This love keeps us sane. It makes us human. Tushar did not have that fundamental emotion of caring.

“I did not ask for this. I did not ask to be brought here, to be alive. I look into the mirror and I feel disconnected to the man I see. I look at people in love and I hear songs about pain and movies about laughter and I don’t get it at all. I don’t have all those emotions. I don’t understand people because I don’t know how it feels to be alive anymore. Its like being a colour blind person while everyone keeps obsessing over fucking rainbows”. Tushar snapped.

I knew what he meant.

“You know what I mean. Better than anyone else because somewhere I know you feel it too, I know you do”. Tushar pleaded.

Time froze again and every story I wrote flashed before my eyes. Everything made sense. Tushar knew I was the only person who would understand him, thats why he chose me for this job. Tushar knew I would agree. Because let me tell you a secret, that cold harsh unblinking gaze that Tushar has, I have it too.

A warm tear rolled silently from my eyes and fell on the table.

“Can’t you try again? Give life a chance?”. I begged.

“You know I can’t, this has to be done. Set me free”. Tushar said smiling.

Another tear rolled down.

“Ma’am your time for this session is over you can visit Mr Keshri next week”. The guard said rudely.

Tushar looked into my eyes with all the hope in the world. He wanted to know if I was going to do it.

I gave him nod. He smiled and muttered thank you went along with the guard. Leaving me alone again, in that room. Like he left me alone in that bloody street that morning.

I went back to my hotel, skipped dinner and drank shit load of vodka until I passed out in my own vomit

And that night I had that nightmare again the one with the dog and the father of that little girl. Only this time I had the boulder in my hands and Tushar was the creature in pain. The creature I must set free.

In my dream I struck him with all my might and he whimpered once, before dying. Its only when I pick up the boulder I realise that it was not Tushar that I had killed, beneath the bloody boulder I saw my own bloody, broken face.

CARNIVOROUS 4.0

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The previous blog —–>Carnivorous 3

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You don’t really realise how long a minute is unless youtube decides to play an advertisement you cannot skip or when you are microwaving food. You don’t really realise how long a minute is unless you have been in an accident or missed a bus.
We don’t appreciate the power of a moment unless it makes itself known to us.
5 years.
1827 days.
43,848 hours.
2,630,880 minutes had passed since I left Tushar, sleeping in the old creaking bed, as I left without a last word, left hopefully forever.
But I always believed he would come for me. So I spent 2,630,880 minutes waiting for him. These minutes are the minutes I had never noticed, the time I had not really lived. The minutes I had spent with men I don’t really care about. Drunk and asleep. The minutes I had spent feeding only on memories of the times I was still capable of feeling.
I never really realised how long a minute is until I had been in Tushar’s arms, after 5 fucking years. Died, resurrected and killed again. Within one minute. How that one significant moment nullified 2,630,880 minutes I had spent in the past. Around that stupid “T” shaped scar on my back. So much so that instead of hating it, it became the only thing real about me.
Most of our pasts fades away in memory, we make new friends and we kiss new people. But my past was on my body reminding me that it was real.
You know its basic psychology, that memory is dynamic. It exists in the form of signals in your brain reverberating infinitely in the unconscious, its moving. Memory is alive and self aware.
If some details of the memory are lost in transmission the mind fills the holes with things that never happened. Its a coping mechanism. Your mind is capable of showing you things that don’t exist to give you some kind of will to live. To prevent suicidal thoughts and depression. It is the mind’s defence mechanism against reality.
Notice how when you dream sometimes, you dream of places you have never seen and faces you have never met. Its because your mind can create new things, things that don’t don’t have a place in your reality, without you knowing. Just like that our mind can fool you into feeling a love that never really happened.
Had my mind fooled me into thinking that Tushar loved me? Or more importantly into thinking that I love Tushar? My mind had fooled me into putting my life in danger for a man I once knew. Was I that desperate for love? For a man who so clearly got pleasure from my pain, a man without a heart, did my mind fool me into thinking he had a heartbeat? What had I done to myself. What will I do?
What will I do.
Tushar released me from his hold and gracefully walked to the table and sat down like he was hungry and just came back from work and I was the wife who spent the entire day cooking for him. He had a satisfaction on his face.
I sat down across from him. I felt my vodka rise up.
I felt sick.
The impact of greater tragedies in your life is not felt as it happens. Your body reacts to the pain before the heart does.
There was silence in the room, I looked away from him.
“You have grown your hair. And this, whole loose shirt thing its going for you completely, you were always pretty but you actually look like a woman now, you know what I mean?”. He said cheerfully breaking the silence. He said it as casualy as he would say that to his neighbour. And here I was my hands almost shaking.
I was not prepared for his indifference.
I kept quite.
“Hey, talk to me, you are being really rude right now honey. Remember you do what I say and I will not blow your cover. You are only allowed here for 30 minutes, we cant waste time on emotions right now babe”. He said softly.
“Fuck you”.
The guard looked up again.
Tushar leaned in closer. “If that man looks up again one more time I am going to be really pissed. You are not in the position to piss me off”.
This was the same man I was swooning over minutes ago.
I leaned in. “What more can you possibly want from me?”. I snapped.
Tushar leaned back into his chair and put his arms on the table, I could see on his face that he had waited for this moment longer than I had. His nails were dirty and unevenly broken. He had been scratching walls.
“Just a little help” he smiled.
I lose my shit in T-5.
“What help?”.
4…
“I want you to get something for me”.

3….
“WHAT?”.
2….
“Its something small, really small and I cant trust a lot of people with it”.

1….

Boom.
“You, called me here, so I can get you SOMETHING? Do I look like a delivery guy to you? I mean do you have absolutely no regards for me? I came all the way here to run your fucking errands? How can you be so fucking heartless after all we went through together, after all those god damned memories how can you be so harsh to someone you once loved? How can you…..”
“How can you just leave someone you loved?” Tushar said with more coldness than I was prepared for.
“Do you remember that you were the one who walked away? You left me. Without a reason, without a note. Ever thought about that?” He continues.
“How can you be so fucking heartless after all we went through together, after all those god damned memories how can you be so harsh to someone you once loved” He mocked me.
“I…” I stammered.
The guard walked up to us.
“Ma,am I am going to have to ask you to be quite or ask you to leave”.
Tushar took my hand.
“Oh you misunderstood sir, we are not fighting. Its just that I met my sugar bunny after so long its just the excitement. Right babe?”. He said cheerfully squeezing my hand.
“Right” I said faking a smile.
The guard gave 0 fucks.
“No touching Ma’am”.
Tushar quickly withdrew his hand and kept them on the table like an innocent little kid.
The guard gave us one nasty stare and walked away.
“What is it that you want me to smuggle in here?.” I choked.
Tushar’s face became serious. I noticed little lines on Tushar’s face. Like he had aged 10 years in the past 5 years.
“A small pill. Its a-no-risk deal. I have already made arrangements. You will be completely safe as long as we stick to the plan”.
I noticed a slight tremble in his hands that he had placed on the table. He noticed my eyes son them and quickly placed his hands on his lap away from my sight.
“A pill? Seriously? You want me to smuggle drugs into a rehab centre?”. I said.
“Its not a drug I promise you, I give you my word” Tushar said desperately. The Tushar Keshri was desperate. It was hard to look at him, what had he become?
“Where do I get this pill from?”.
“It is already sent for you as we speak, in the hotel check-in counter just ask the guy behind the desk that you were expecting a package, inside the pack there is the pill and also the instructions you need to know to get it here”.
What ever this was, meant a lot to him.
Something was not right.

“You have so many people working for you why dont you ask one of them to do this for you. You can ask that friend Rupi, she seemed pretty impressed by you”. I tried my best to hide my jealousy.
“Hahaha. Rupi was my therapist. She used to work here. She was assigned to me when I was in the hospital for an ‘accidental’ overdose. When a patient suffers from addiction or trauma it is the hospital’s job to assign them a psychologist to help them cope. I had to talk to her, she had to declare me mentally fit otherwise the hospital was not allowed to discharge me. I could have told her the truth about my life but then they would have sent me to a mental institution but what was the fun in that? So I told her this made up fairy tale story about how I ruined myself over a girl and how I cry myself to sleep  and everything, how tried to kill myself after you left, the overdose made perfect sense to her. I was almost shocked that she believed me. Everyone wants to believe in love. Everybody wants to belive in hope so, I made her think that I can be fixed. But you know me, not all damage is repairable.”
The T shaped scar on my back stung me a little as he said that.
“Anyway, so I emotionally black mailed her into get me some fucking cigarettes while I was stuck here, I mean thats the minimum right? I was going insane. She got me one cigarette but we got caught and her license got suspended and I got stuck here longer than I had anticipated.”
Fuck.
“So this entire deal that you are emotionally vulnerable and violent was just a lie you told her?”.

“Precisely. Human beings are the only animals who have the power to feel sympathy. And it makes us the strongest and the weakest specie to walk the earth. It can push us beyond our limits. Would you have come if you did not feel bad for me?”.
I kept quite. My mind was running with questions.
I looked at him. Was he the same guy I used to sing to sleep?
“Is that why you sent me that clip with your letter?”I asked.
“Would you have come if I had sent a rose?”.
How does he know me so well?
“Why me Tushar? If Rupi can get you cigarettes she can get you this precious pill too.”
“She is not allowed to meet me, remember they do a background check before you come here? But that is not the point. Rupi is too sentimental for a job like this. She would want to know why am I doing this. She will get too involved and curious. I cant trust her with it.”
“And you can trust me with it? Why?”.
“Because you have no other choice. I know your real name and your address, your entry has already been recorded under a fake name. If you don’t do this for me I will report it and you will go to jail for tresspassing and identity theft. That is at least 6 months in prison. Who is going to give you a job with a criminal record? You are inside a mouse trap. And also because you feel for me, thats why you came all the way here. Your semtiments are a proof of your loyality. It was a test and you passed. You wont leave me hanging, not this time. Because somewhere deep inside you feel the guilt of leaving me.”
He was right. I had no choice. I have to give it to Tushar. I am at gun point without a gun. I was more scared about the feelings then I was about the jail.
“15 more minutes!”. The guard shouts from across the room.
Anxiety built up inside me.
“Okay, last question. What is in that pill? Why is it so important”.
Tushar smirked. I felt goosebumps.
“Its a very rare extract of Strychnine. In regular dosage it is used to kill smalls pests and rodents. But if you dilute it enough and increase the concentration of phosphorous it is one of the most lethal poisons in the world. Once in the blood stream it takes over the entire body. The heart stops, within hours of ingestion. Clean peaceful death. And finally when the doctors cut you open for the postmortem to see what caused the heart to stop beating. It shows absolutely nothing. The chemical dissociates into the blood stream leaving no trace. Its the perfect killer”.
I could taste the vodka in the back of my mouth. I was going to throw up.
“Why…do you want a poison Tushar?” I asked in a tiny voice, I already knew the answer.
Tushar relaxed into his seat and he gave me big toothy Tushar Grin.
“Because I am going to kill my self”.

Carnivorous 3

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To the new people here. Please read the previous parts for this to make sense. Carnivorous-2  CARNIVOROUS

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“So, You’re finally here”.

I turned around, and that turning around only took seconds or even less than that. But I had already planned things in my mind within the microseconds. I knew I would throw my arms around his neck and he will hold me tightly around my waist and twirl me around like a fucking ice princess and in that one public display of affection all my insecurities will shed in that similar scent of his aftershave and I will be happy and whole again.

But I turned around.

And I see this WOMAN.

I almost screamed in shock. And I am not one of those people who don’t give much reaction on anything.

I was shocked for two reasons

First, I was expecting the abusive psychopath love of my life. Not a woman.

Second, this woman was easily the most disfigured human I had ever seen.

Let me paint a picture her skin was pale and she was thin and tall. She had a weird hunch back posture that made her look rather short than she was. I guess she was in an accident. Her face was old, definitely older than me she was around 35-40. She had beetle black eyes and thin lips and a really out of place nose. She had thick black hair that covered most of her face and she was wearing a long summer dress giving her an even disfigured look.

“You are just like he said you would be” She said and smiled.

I was still in shock. I could not hide my disappointment.

“I am sorry I would love to have a conversation with random people but I am waiting for someone, he will be here any minute, so if you excuse me”. I said trying to calm down my heart.

“I know you are waiting here for Tushar. He is the one who sent me here. He is a special man, isn’t he? He talks about you a lot. You live in Pune, you graduated from Bangalore, you write poems and stuff he keeps reading them infact….” I gesture for her to stop

I loose my shit in 3…..

“What do you mean he sent you here is he not coming?”

“I am sorry but no, he cannot make it”

2…..

“The situation is a little complicated you see. He is……”

1.

Boom.

“With all due respect ma’am,. But I have spent almost all of my savings to come look at his stupid face and you are telling me he is not going to come? Seriously? He is the one who sent me that fucking letter and now that I finally came, travelling for 13 hours crossing state boundaries he decides to bail on me?I really have no idea how you fit into this situation but if you really know him please go and tell that psychotic little motherfucker that he can go and fuck himself unconscious and he is lucky that I am not going to find him and shove that fucking paper clip up his asshole because I don’t want to waste more time on him” I said almost barking the part.

“That is really remarkable. He said you were going to say that and astonishingly in somewhat similar order!”. She said smiling.

I stared blankly at her face, I was punching her in the nose in my head but in reality I just stared at her.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“Tell him, no one gets to break my heart twice”. I said almost breaking.

I started walking away. I must not cry. I told myself.

“Wait!”. The lady called out behind me.

I kept walking.

“If you leave now, you will never get any answers. You can go back to drinking yourself to death or you can be patient. You and I both know he means what he says, trust me.” She said.

I sighed and marched my ass back to the coffee table.

She followed me and sat down in front of me.

“Before you say anything I want to know who are you and how do you know…him”. I asked in a tiny voice looking down at my shoes. It has been a shitty morning so far.

“I am so sorry I totally forgot to introduce myself, I am Rupi”.

She held out her hand to shake mine. I took her hand and it felt boney and cold but her grip was firm.

“I met Tushar shortly after you left. We have been friends ever since”. Rupi said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Why in the world was Tushar friends with a much older woman like her? Rupi was hiding something but I had no time for it.

I had spent almost all my savings and a lot of my time to come here, I was getting impatient.

“Why is he not here? His letter specifically said that he wanted to see me. If he means what he says then where the fuck is he?”. I asked.

“He has seen you already, I clicked a picture of you the minute you walked in and emailed it to him, he is only allowed to use the internet between 9:30 and 10 am that too only permitted websites so I am sorry I had to do it without your discretion but I was running out of time”.

She showed a candid pictures of me that she had clicked from behind the counter of the coffee house on her phone.

Creepy right? It gets creepier.

My head was spinning.

“What do mean he is not ALLOWED to use the internet, he is a grown ass man”.

“You see, Tushar is not really….here”.

“What? Is Tushar DEAD?!”.

“NO! no he is just….umm, he is at this special place where he is being taken care of, you know”.

“I hope you know Rupi you are not doing either of us any good. Can. You. Be. MORE SPECIFIC?”.

“Tushar is in a rehabilitation centre for his excessive drug abuse. This really fancy rehab in the outskirts of the city, he is going through extensive therapy to overcome addiction”.

That day was a carnival of shocks.

“Tushar would rather kill him self than go to rehab. He did drugs for a purpose he is not like you and me or the rest of the world. He does not want to escape reality, he wants to find it. He would never pay a bunch of white coat hypocrites to tell him that he should live his life like they want him to tell him drugs are bad for him, he already knows that drugs are bad for him and he does them anyway, he is not trying to get a kick he is trying to understand his mind. I know him”. I said.

“Tushar has changed, five years is a long time. You don’t know Tushar almost killed himself, twice. When you are so close to death it changes your perspective on life. First he overdosed on heroin some 3 years back, he was lucky the doctors got to him in time. Then around last year new year he took a couple of drugs together, a poison cocktail he called it, he was in the hospital for 8 months. I was in the hospital with him and I honestly did not think he was going to make it. But he did. But in that moment in the hospital bed, when he was dying from the inside out and the pain in his body was almost unbearable, in that second when his insides were liquefying, and his mouth was covered in his blood vomit he whispered your name”.

I felt my skin get cold. I felt my heart defrost and one tear fell out of my pathetic eyes. One tear drop that changed everything. Empathy is a bitch. I was not built for emotions.

I quickly gathered myself.

“Can I meet him at this…place he is in?”. I asked desperately.

“Yes, but there is a catch”.

“What?”.

“You see, Tushar had to go through extensive physical and psychological therapies. Drugs are so hard wired into his system that his mind and body goes into severe withdrawal if it does not get drugs. It makes him violent, almost unpredictable. One minute he is happy another minute he is chasing his room mate with a live electrical wire. He has to be treated like you treat a child sometimes”.

“I can handle him”.

“That was not the catch. You see, during his therapy he has mentioned your name a couple of times. His report roughly indicates that you leaving him led to a chain reaction. He had difficulty forgetting you which led to depression that made him more vulnerable to addiction then he would have been otherwise”.

I remained quite.

“Tushar’s case is sensitive even the smallest of things can trigger a reaction. His therapist believes that you have had a strong emotional impact on him and even if by mistake you say something emotionally powerful to him he might get a trigger response, he can hurt you or himself, he might even go into relapse, it dangerous”.

“I can handle him”.

Rupi smiled.

“He said you would say that. You can meet him but you cant go as yourself. You see, they do a brief bio check of everyone who comes to see any of the patients, its a whole procedure because if they leave a patient with a potential trigger like you it would be like leaving a bucket of gasoline with a zippo lighter. Its dangerous. One wrong act and boom, you’re done. I will have fake Id’s arranged for you tomorrow morning. Its the only way they are ever going to let you in”.

I had used fake ID’s before to get booze. No biggie.

 

Rupi said she would have her driver drive me to the rehab. She will keep the ID and a few instructions in the seat pocket for me to find.

I thanked her for the talk and apologized for screaming earlier. She smiled and got up to take a leave. All eyes on the cafe were on her and her old slouched body and comparatively younger face. As she walked away I called out to her.

“Rupi!”.

She turned back.

I walked to her so I did not have to scream. I did not want people to overhear our conversation.

“If Tushar was really in rehab why didn’t he say so in the letter? Why lie?” I asked.

“Because he wanted to test you. If he would have told you he is sick you would have come because you felt bad for him, not because you had feelings for him”.

That bastard.

“I almost forgot to tell you. Since your stay in Bangalore is going to be longer than you anticipated I have paid for your room in your hotel in advance”.

“Thanks but, How did you know what hotel I am staying at?”. I asked.

“Tushar said you were going to ask that”. she said grinning. And walked away awkwardly. Leaving me there with my cold disgusting coffee.

*******************************************************************

When I reached my hotel my room had been upgraded to deluxe was paid for at least two weeks with complimentary food and alcohol.

The room had a king size bed and a 45 inch TV with a minibar (thank the lord). The bathroom was as big as the bedroom in my apartment in Pune. The shower had 14 different shower settings. Ever heard of that before?

Who ever Rupi was one thing about her was clear, she was extremely wealthy, no one wastes so much money on friends of friend. No one is that generous. There had to be a catch but I knew the answers will come from the man of the hour himself.

Tushar.

What is in your head?

*******************************************************************

Next morning Rupi sent an aqua blue Honda for me to pick me up at my hotel. The driver opened the gate for me and introduced himself. He was a young guy I could not give less shits about him.

The car started off on the road in that merciless Bangalore traffic.

The driver turned back and handed me an envelope.

He told me madam had sent me that.

The envelope had a driving license with my picture on it but it had a different name.

“Osheen Pathak”. I read out loud.

That was the stupidest fucking name I had ever heard. Why couldn’t Rupi come up witch a better sounding cover name.

Ring Ring.

It was my cellphone.

“Hello?”.

“On your way right?”.

It was Rupi.
“How did you get my….anyway what kind of name is Osheen Pathak?”.

“Hahaha. It was completely random. Now I want you to remember than Tushar is in a very delicate stage, you are still a trigger, when you go there you must not say anything that is emotionally stimulating, just try to be neutral, take lead of the conversation, make him laugh, don’t say anything harsh or overtly romantic”.

“Roger that”.

“Good. All the best. I’ll get in touch with you soon. Bye bye”.

“Thanks. Bye”.

I disconnected the call and took a huge gulp from my vodka flask.

Soon the buildings and the thick warm air got replaced by trees and a cool breeze.

I knew I was getting closer.

We drove around for 30 minutes when I saw this enormous modernist building. It looked like an IT workshop.

The guard stopped the car at the entrance, that meant I was on my own.

I walked into the huge reception with enormous windows and cheerful paintings.

The receptionist was a pretty dark skinned woman.

“Hello how may I help you?”.

“Umm. Hi. I am here to see Tushar Keshri.”

“And you are…..?”.

“Osheen Pathak”.

“Right. Can I have your ID?”

I handed my fake Id over to her, she typed away something on the computer and printed out a copy of it for herself before returning it to me.

“Perfect. You may take a seat, someone will escort you to Mr Keshri shortly”.

The building was nothing like you would imagine a rehab to be. It was warm and lively. Tushar must have hated it here.

A few minutes later a short guy in a red polo shirt came to escort me.

“So you are here to see Mr Keshri huh? He almost never meets most of his visitors he is a very private man”. He said as we were walking through the corridors.

“I know”. I said smiling.

“How do you know him Miss Pathak if I may ask”.

“He is a really old friend”.

“Oh, nice. Well, there will be a guard in your room in case of emergency, the rules are pretty simple. No screaming, no shouting, no sudden movements and no touching.”

“Right”.

“I am going to have to ask you to take off your shoes, your belt and your watch”.

“Are you serious?”.

“I am sorry its the standard protocol, also I will need your cellphone you cant take any electrical devices in there with you”.

I sighed and handed him all the stuff I had, then he had a female guard frisk me thoroughly behind the curtains.

“Clear?”. The red polo shirt guy asked.

The female guard nodded her head.

“You may go in Miss Pathak”.

“Sir, I was wondering about the no touching rule, cant I just give him a hug, we are meeting after a long time, he needs human warmth after all that he has been through”.

The red shirt guy sighed.

“Ok you are allowed one hug, but make it quick and umm….nothing sensual”.

“Roger that”.

He took me to a closed wooden door.

“He will be here in a moment. Good luck Miss Pathak”.

The fact that every one kept saying that made me nervous.

“Thanks”.

I opened the door, the room looked like a part of the house from a paint commercial. Bright and happy. I cant really blame Tushar for being violent in a place like this, so many colours would drive me off the edge too.

There was a guard, sitting in the distant corner of the room with all his power belt equipment hanging from his hip. There was a table in the middle with chairs on either sides so we both could face each other while we spoke.

My palms were sweaty from anticipation. I had been gone for so long but now I was finally here for him. He had suffered enough. It was all going to be okay.

I heard the door creaked and he walked in, it was him, unmistakably him. Tall and lanky. My heart was about to break out of my chest. I had not felt so happy, so relief, so god damned relaxed in ages. It was like I had a thorn pricked in my skin and someone finally, after years of agony, removed it.

He had grown a beard and cut his hair small but he looked so different but he looked so good.

I then looked him in the eyes to realize he had frozen down in his spot.

“You came”. He said in a shaky voice.

“You called me” I said in an even shakier voice.

Don’t cry. I commanded myself.

He took a few long steps and scooped me in his arms and twirled me around like a fucking ice princess, he did not smell like his usual aftershave because he had stopped shaving apparently but it was still him, he had wrapped his arms tightly around me and in that moment I knew I was almost complete.

“Oh god, you cant imagine what I went through to find you”. he said still holding me.

“I know, I am so sorry, I am here now”.

“I know. I know”. He said and kissed my shoulder.

I wanted that moment to last forever. And it did. Not the way I hoped it would.

“But you know nothing.” he whispered in my ear.

It was strange, I try to break the hug and look at him but he at tightened his grip on me.

“You don’t know that as we embrace in affection my friends are over to that hotel room where you stay”.

I tried to push him. The guard looked up.

“If you make him suspicious I am telling them you came here with a fake ID of a missing woman, Identity theft is a long time in prison sugar. Act wisely”.

Didn’t see that coming right?

“You asshole”.

“You are not in the position to threaten, when I let you go, you are going to stay calm, or you have no idea what I am going to do to you.”

 

Carnivorous-2

********************************************************************************

Hi shitheads. Welcome to my suffering. This story is more likely to make sense to you if you have read the first part which I wrote almost a year back CARNIVOROUS.

Adios.

********************************************************************************

There is a “T” shaped scar on my back. And it is tiny and can almost pass for a cross. But I am not catholic. I am not anything really.
I had personal believes that this scar is symbolic to the single most interesting story I probably have to tell.
But it’s glory days are over, its been 5 years since I have had it and it does not look half as badass as it used to look back then.
It has healed and blackened over the years and now it just looks like a cheap, poorly drawn tattoo from a gas station. But if you look close enough, if you trace it around it’s edges with your finger you will know that it is a burn mark. You can see the cracks on the skin close to the mark as it healed it self. You can almost see the caramelised blood that has turned brown under the foreskin and if you dig your fingers deeper into it you can almost feel the heat of the metal that burned me. And if there is absolute silence in the room you can probably hear the sizzle of my skin as the metal melted through it. It sounds like fries in the fryer but a lot less appealing. If you are close enough you can almost feel what I must have felt like. But you wont know what it felt like. Don’t be an asshole.
Because its not your skin and its not your story. Its mine. You are here to read my suffering not to connect with it.
Anyway.
The day I got the scar was also the day I last saw the man who gave it to me. Tushar.
I moved out of Bangalore to Pune after graduating. I worked as a ghost writer for practically any one who could pay. I had a small one bedroom house on top of an old tea shop where truck drivers made a pit stop to piss and smoke. The streets smelled like Urine and cheap cigarettes and sounded like wounded dogs and crying babies.
I lived like a cockroach. I rarely spoke to my neighbours and I was the youngest in my writing circle so no one really paid much attention to me. I had no complains. My life was simple. But one day god decided to casually fuck it up again.
It was a sunny noon and I was doing what I do on every afternoon, drinking, when I received a package. It was a brown cardboard box sent from a Bangalore address. Reading the word “Bangalore” almost gave me a heart attack. I don’t get mails that are not bills and I specifically don’t get mails from Bangalore. I have bad memories of that place.
I came to Pune to escape that city and I had my reasons for it but the past is like a clingy ex who has evil ways of reminding you of it self.
I ripped through the cardboard in a few seconds.
Inside the box there was a small grey envelope. It had a letter inside that read

I miss you. Every single day since the last 5 years. Come see me this 28th? I just want to see your face. So I can remind myself that you were real.
I will be waiting for you in the same old coffee shop near your college. Our usual time.
Come and we all can get some answers.
Unapologetically yours
Tushar

This was way beyond fucked up.
My heart started beating faster by the second.
I felt the envelope there was something inside it.
I tore through it and a burnt and rusted old paper clip bent in the shape of letter “T” fell on the floor.
By this time my heart started beating so fast that I almost felt dizzy.I picked it up to look closely. It was the same paper clip. It was impossible to not recognise it.I looked closer to see if it still had my caramelised blood on its edges. It was without a doubt the same clip that he had used on me.
It was not romantic. Don’t get the wrong Idea.
It was like sending a cancer patient a box full of cigarettes. Would you send a person a knife you stabbed him with?
It sent a shudder down my spine.
Tushar wanted to convey something specific. He has not forgotten anything. People like Tushar don’t miss people, they don’t have the heart to.
But I had to give him some credit for his research work.
I left Bangalore right after I graduated.I changed my phone number, my social media I even changed my email Id. I was completely off the radar. How did Tushar find me? I was so careful.
There was a part of me that was scared of this man that I know is capable of causing pain.
There was this other part of me that knew Tushar would find me someday, this part of me was happy to be found.
I had to go to Bangalore. Tushar was right, we all need answers.
*******************************************************************
Tushar is not one of those people who you meet everyday. There are men who like foot ball and men who play the guitar and the men who disagree with everything to sound cool. If you have a dating career like mine at some point in your life you start to feel that most people can be put into boxes. And at some point you will start to feel they all are the same person with different bodies.
But Tushar was different. The kind of different I cant really put into words. Lets just say he is not like you and me. He saw things and he heard voices that don’t have mouths. All kinds of fucked up. But for whatever reason it was almost impossible for me to not fall in love with him. Psychopaths are charming and that is a fact.
But it was more than Charms that made Tushar, well, TUSHAR. He is something else.

I remember this one time we were in my small college room smoking weed and discussing politics and we realised after a couple of joints that we were too stoned than we wanted to be. He was lying down on his back on the cold floor with his arms spread wide. I was sitting on the old computer chair wheeling around the room banging into walls. He was staring straight at the old celling fan humming this tune of this really familiar song that has a name I can never remember.
It was quite and I heard this really loud roar(not exaggerating) and I realised that it is coming from Tushar’s stomach. It almost sounded like a cow was giving birth. I obviously laughed for a straight 15 minutes while Tushar hid his face in the pillow. It was all okay till then but after a little while I realised that I was starving too. And it was not even regular hunger. It was savage. Soon we started searching around the room for sugar packets or even left overs, just something to taste, anything. We fought over a stale cookie we found in the shelves.
It was almost 1:00 am in the morning and we were pretty convinced that we both will loose our minds to starvation if we don’t find food.
So both of us. High and practically broke got out on the streets of Bangalore. We jumped windows and outran stray dogs with rabies to finally share a meal made by a nice old lady who owned a small cafe with questionable hygiene. The cafe was not yet open but she had some left over dinner which was cold and ridiculously spicy. By that time we were so hungry that it was almost impossible to even process how the food tasted. My purpose was to get the food in my stomach as fast as I can. I ate and I ate and I took second servings of the cold hard rice and frozen curry. Tushar had already helped himself with the 4th serving. We ate like animals. We ate and ate and ate till we could not eat anymore. We thanked the old lady and payed her whatever we could. The sun had started to rise and you could almost hear the birds chirping. We walked the lonely streets dragging our feet on the road lazily cause we were too full and the spicy food was acting up. After walking for 10 minutes we decided that we have to take a bus. We both passed out on the cold metal seats in that lonely old bus and missed our station. When we woke up our bodies were cold and our butts hurt from sitting on the bus for too long but Tushar looked at me and wrapped his long arms around my body and buried his face in my neck.
“Since we already fucked up, lets just go as far as the bus goes. I am too tiered to make sense right now. Hmm?” He whispered slowly and his warm breath on my skin.
“That is the worst idea I have ever heard in my life” I said as I let my fingers in his black messy hair.
I felt his smile against my skin. He was too tiered to speak. I stroked his hair as he fell asleep his arms still around me. I saw the sun slowly rise out of the window of that lonely bus. And as the sun came out I fell asleep too.

*******************************************************************
27th may 3:00 am
I had brushed my teeth and packed my bags. My bus was supposed to leave in two hours. I had not slept ever since I got his letter. I felt sleepy but could not sleep and with the all that alcohol I was not really awake. I felt hungry but even the thought of food made me wanna throw up. I drank shit load of vodka and smoked too many cigarettes. I had quite smoking 2 years back.
My stomach churned for the thousandth time. Was I really doing this?

27th may 9:45 am
Vodka is not my choice of poison, I am woman of whisky but its easier to sneak in vodka because it looks like water and its a quick high. For a 13 hour journey I had emptied two whole bottles of cherry vodka into a water bottle. I took sips from time to time but even with its disguise my fellow passengers got suspicious soon. There is not much one can do to mask the smell of hard liquor.
The woman who sat beside me gave me a filthy look. It made me uncomfortable but I knew there was no way I was going to make through this sober.

27th May 2:30 pm
The cab driver had been checking me out in his rear view mirror. I had bundled my self to the edge of the car seat to escape his gaze. I was pretty drunk. I was almost always pretty drunk. But I had mastered the art of looking sober. There is not much regards in India for a woman who drinks.

27th May 3:19 pm
The hotel is decent. It was a bit over the budget but I rented a room anyway. Its smart to rent good hotels when you know are meeting up with an ex lover. You know what I mean, you meet an ex, you remember your fun times, the inside jokes that you forgot over time, the jokes that only you two know, he makes you laugh and you laugh a little louder than you intended because you are lonely. Admits all that sugar coating you will forget why you guys broke up in the first place. In the spur of the moment you will look him in the eyes and for a second, you would question every thing you have ever known and you will, in that moment forget that he is the same asshole and you are the same pathetic needy little drunk bitch. You will do something stupid. For example sleep with him. It is very likely to happen. I know the drill hence, the hotel room.
I wont however, you know sleep with him. Not after what he did to me.
But I really do not trust myself enough and thats why my hotel room had a double bed.

27th May 8:00 PM
I ordered the cheapest meal I could find on the menu. I ate some of it, threw most of it. My stomach is in knots. I don’t remember being this nervous since 2010. I am so tiered but I cannot sleep. The bed is too huge its intimidating for my tiny little body. But tomorrow is a huge day. I gluged all I could from my bottle.
Life hack: If you can’t sleep. Passout.

28th May 7:00 AM
Threw up in the sink this morning. I hate vodka. But it felt much better. I took a shower, I put moisturiser on my skin, mascara on my lashes and put on a casual shade of liptint. I had to look good. I wore a long grey off shoulder that I had gotten altered to hug my body at the right places. Skinny black jeans that I had never worn before, it even had the price tag on. And black ankle boots with just a little heel. I let my long hair fall back mercilessly like I used to 5 years back. I dont really care much for looks but I get nervous around Tushar. I had to look good but not over the top, Tushar would sense my nervousness if I went over the top. I was keeping it simple.

29th May 9:54 AM
I reached the cafe at around 9 which is one hour before our usual time. No ground breaking nostalgia. I did not see the past flash before my eyes. I sat down at our usual place. It was also the place where I first met him. You know that story don’t you?
I never really thought I would fall so in love with a man like him. But it was impossible not to fall in love with him.
Anyway moving on.
The letter that he had sent me stated that he would be here at our usual time. Our usual time was 10 am. He will be here any moment. And my heart is about to explode.

********************************************************************
As I was sitting there sipping that coffee which still did not taste anything like coffee. But I was grinning with excitement like a fucking school girl.
With all the vodka and the anticipation I almost forgot that he is not just an ex. I almost forgot that Tushar was capable of things most people are not. In my pretty grey top and black sexy jeans I almost forgot that Tushar did not call me here just for a reunion.
The only thing I remembered was that I still loved him and I wanted to see his face more than anything else in the world. I was completely caught up in my day dreaming when I heard a familiar voice behind me say.
“So, you’re finally here”.
My heart almost stopped. I turned around to look who it was.
And froze down in shock.